Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Fear I May Have...

Okay, I admit it. I have a few fears. And, they really aren't well founded. I think it's common to have a few fears. These are mine.

I'm very afraid of water. My mind seems to exaggerate the terror the closer I get to a body of water. Many times I've dreamed about jumping into a pool, and whenever I'm about to jump I seize up with fright. The next day, I'll scoff at the nightmare-until I see a pool, then I instantly freeze in panic as that sensation grips me. Honestly, I can't remember anything happening to me, ever, to make my fear a grounded one. But it's gotten better, at least. When I was 3 or 4, I couldn't even look at a shower without screaming about it.

I'm afraid of risk taking. Who isn't? But one good thing about that is there are not a lot of risks that I face, or anything resembling what I would call a risk. Of course, there are the common, jumping-out-of-an-airplane risks, and I think that kind of fear is very healthy. I know one person who isn't afraid of such things, and she has admitted she doesn't feel much emotion of any kind, fear included. But it's not crippling, so I think I can face most of those frightful things.

One very terrifying thing for me is supernatural horror movies. In college I saw the Omen, about the child antiChrist, and that gave me horrible nightmares for months. I can watch blood and gore all day, and movies with the jump factor aren't that bad either. But add a little about demons in there, or supernatural occurances (like the Paranormal Activity series) and I'm sufficiently scared straight. Like, I'll wake you up in a dead sleep to make sure you aren't possessed, then make you go to the bathroom with me because I don't want to be alone. After watching the Exorcist, I now check on Gabe every time I get back from going to the bathroom at night, to make sure he's still alive and still himself, and not some horrid killer.

I'm afraid of losing everything. Especially any good luck I may have come across. This stems from a childhood belief that God wants to raise your hopes in your dreams only to tear them from your grasp to teach you...something. Even though I have a whole different mindset now, I still feel very cautious when something wonderful happens to me, like I shouldn't get too excited. Maybe another part of that is because if I was particularly happy as a kid, my dad would feel threatened and make sure I ended up miserable. One example was the time I went to my best friend Amber's house all weeknd, had a superb time. Her dad told my dad this, and when I went home, I was confronted with rage. How could I be so sullen at home all the time, such a discontented attitude every time I was asked to do something, but around other people I was a joy to be with? And that lecture went on until I felt like a total failure and the day went from one of the best of my life to seriously one of the worst.

Last, and perhaps not least, I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings or angering them. It shouldn't be as big a deal as it is. And it's sometimes pathetic. If you can't turn down a pervert's sexual gestures for fear of hurting their feelings, EVEN THOUGH you hate him for acting in such a manner, then it's truly a problem.

Those are my fears. What are yours? Are they heroic? Do they serve any constructive purpose in your life? I don't know if mine do. But for some reason, I have them, and they factor into some of the choices I make.

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